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Sometimes I want to kick my own ass.

Posted on Tuesday, April 21, 2009 in Legitimate concerns

Do you ever find yourself doing things that you know you shouldn’t do, that could cause some serious long-term damage, hurt people and yourself, yet you can’t stop doing it? I’m not talking about drug addiction or alcohol abuse because well, lets face it, those people are just lazy assholes who don’t like themselves and think that any sort of substance they put in their body to alter their personality will make other people like them and in turn, trick themselves into believing that they are actually pretty cool and not annoying as hell to deal with for everyone else riding on the sobriety bus.

No, alcohol is not my problem (but sometimes I wish it was!). I’m actually afflicted with self-sabotage and hurting-the-ones-I-love syndrome. I have mentioned before that I am a slightly (read: totally) insecure person and I can’t for the life of me figure out why my fiance not only loves me, but says I’m sexy, he thinks I’m gorgeous, wants to marry me and have babies with me. Don’t misunderstand, I’m not trying to insult his taste or his opinion in any way, but I grew up with a brother who felt like shit and wasn’t happy until everyone around him, which was only me at the time, felt like shit too. I quickly learned that not only was I fat, I was stupid, fat & ugly! Yes, I’m the complete package here folks! Well, when you’re 10, and you’ve always idolized your big brother, you tend to believe pretty much everything he says (I mean, he was able to convince me to eat a worm….you get the idea) regardless of its validity. Accompany that with the occasional (frequent) ass beatings he gave me, the public humiliations he put me through and the number of friends he chased off for me, by the time I was 15, I’m scum.

Fast forward to today, I’m 28 years old. I have a career, a home, two dogs, I’ve finally got long hair again, and maybe my face isn’t so disappointing, and well, not to boast, but men and women alike have told me I have a great rear end. My fiance tells me everyday, sometimes (usually) more than once, that he thinks I’m beautiful, that I’m the most beautiful girl he’s ever seen, but none of this stops me from thinking that if he were to run across someone (anyone else anatomically correct, to be perfectly truthful) else, he would drop me in a half of a heartbeat. And thinking this is one thing, but actually accusing him of it is another thing entirely and it is known to happen around our house just about everyday. An85-heartbreakkid1d I know I’m doing it, and I can hear the words, but I can’t stop my mouth from saying them, and they spill out like poison. And while I know he loves me, and (for now) he’s entirely patient with me, he is only human and can withstand only so much irrational thinking followed by completely irrational behaviour. I can see how much it confuses and hurts him, but that doesn’t stop me. He has said that he wishes I could see myself the way he sees me for just a second so that then I would know how he feels, and yet I still can’t believe that he will be faithful and loyal to me for our entire life spans. Part of this comes courtesy of my brother and the other part is compliments of good ol’ mom and dad. Their marriage was full of neglect, lies, cheating and last but not least, a nasty divorce to wash it all down. High school sweet hearts, actually, middle school sweethearts, together since the age of 13. And to this day, I’m still convinced they love each other, but once all of that nastiness (him: neglect, her: cheating & lies) has passed through a marriage, it’s past the point of no return. I don’t want that to happen to us, so much so that it seems I’m going to wreck it before it ever gets the opportunity to pass down that road.

I’m such a piece of shit, and I hate it. I need a reality check, and fast, because I don’t want to hurt my best friend, my partner, my everything. He deserves better, and that’s the truth if I don’t shape up and realize that he chose me for a reason, he loves me, and I have to trust that. I need an electrode to be placed in my head, set to shock the bazooty out of my brains anytime an insecure or jealous thought dares cross the ocean of my mind. I feel like I have an alternate personality who always prevails in every battle. I need a handler, I need to be trained. Maybe I need to be hypnotized into having some self confidence.

If you need to find me,  check in the self-help section of the public library where I will be planted until I find the solution to this problem.

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