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Share the road?

Posted on Saturday, May 2, 2009 in Someone please pay me to bitch.

So, it’s that time of year again. That time when many lives are endangered by mass hordes of unattractively skinny, narrow-assed men pedaling two wheels and some metal down many of the area’s major county roads and highways. Share the road my ass! There have been many articles and “letters to the editor” about sharing the roads around here, who’s got more rights, who’s more responsible, so here are my two cents:

A. I do believe that both bicyclists and drivers should follow all traffic laws. (I cannot count on my fingers, toes and everyone else’s fingers and toes in this town, how many times I have seen some snooty bicyclist whip through a stop sign, red light or even riding in the wrong lane against traffic–but hey, they’re training, we drivers should be understanding and inconvenienced of course.)

B. Bicyclists many times feel that they must travel in packs, sometimes 4-6 deep. As you can imagine, this would take up a fair amount of road, leaving drivers no choice but to either cross the yellow line or take out a few self-centered assholes (and go to jail feeling like they just did the world some good) who are under the impression that it is not only easy for drivers to manoever their, but also enjoyable to miss on-coming traffic by a hair’s length.

C. Bicyclists also seem to flock to roads, highways, etc, that meet their strict requirements which are as follows:

  1. MUST be a winding road with many treacherous twists, turns and blindspots.
  2. MUST have a very narrow shoulders, on both sides, preferably less than 6 inches across.
  3. MUST be a heavily traveled area with many commuters in vehicles big enough to slaughter bike, helmet and body without leaving a trace.

D. I live, along with all of these bicyclists, in a town that was voted 2007’s most Bike Friendly town. So, last time I checked, we have a beautiful trail that allows you to travel from one end of town to the other, along a beautiful river, no less. If you’re not riding your bike to commute, why must you ride in traffic, on dangerous highways, endangering motorists and yourselves?

E. The idea that motorists have more responsibility in this issue is completely ludacris. If you’re moronic enough to challange my 1.5 ton SUV with your alluminum can on wheels, then best of luck to you. If I don’t encounter you on a narrow winding road with only a mere memory of a shoulder, riding in the middle of my lane, and you follow the traffic regulations, I got no beef (literally, because even if I were to hit a waifish bicyclist, it would be the equivilant of riding through a sudden downpour of dry leaves in late November–no blood, guts or beef on my grill!). But if I come up on you, huffing and puffing up the middle of the East bound lane on Floor Ida, game onclown_bike1.

F. Bicyclists tend to have a poor attitude towards everyone else who isn’t like them. Like, because we get our exercise at the gym or hiking on one of the nice trails available to us, or even if we don’t exercise at all and sit at home and drink beer and scratch our asses, we are lesser beings because we don’t humiliate our ball-sack (or in my case, female parts…) everyday by highlighting it with bright green spandex advertising Spam. Whatever happened to riding your bike for fun? And since when does it make you less awesome because you aren’t a grown man dressed head to toe in spandex to go out for a nice bike ride? Last time I checked, it doesn’t. That brings me to the final leg of my two cents: Attire

F. The “appropriate” attire is sickeningly hypnotic, like a car wreck you can’t turn away from. Spandex stretched from here to there, with nothing worth looking at in between. The “costumes” are just about the only redeeming quality of this “sport” because one can’t help but laugh when it pedals by.

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