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Nov 22

Goodbye

Posted on Sunday, November 22, 2009 in Legitimate concerns

A dear member of our family was killed, Monday of this week. I could say all of the obvious things here: that she was a loving mother, sister, wife, inspiring, giving etc. But everyone knows that. Anyone who knows her, knows her even the tiniest bit, already knows that C was all of these things and more. I don’t need to recap on that.

A day after C’s funeral and I am feeling: anger, frustration, sadness, and oddly, hope.

Anger at the asshole who did this, who carelessly ended her life. Angry that they were driving in a piece of shit car with no airbags that should have been dumped long long ago. Angry that not only is she gone, but 3 beautiful kids were also injured and are in a serious bad way right now. Angry that our star athlete may never walk again.

I’m frustrated because I can see everyone in so much pain and there’s nothing I can do. Nothing I can do or say will bring C back or will it make it ok that she’s gone. What I’d like to do is just absorb everyone’s pain into myself and just go out somewhere far away from everyone and everything and just blow myself up to get rid of all of the pain. But even if I could do that, it wouldn’t end the every day pain of missing each and every minute of her life that she should be having right now. I am married to the brother of C’s husband. I am the newest member of their family and I don’t know where I belong–where the boundaries are. I don’t know how, when or where to best show my love and support. I feel like an outsider, an intruder, even though I care for this family, MY family, so very much. This makes me frustrated and unsure. I have always had a hard time letting people in, and this week, I learned that I need to be more flexible in this way. I had always imagined that one day she and I would be great friends, because we seemed so similar–hard to get to know, walls up, but I certainly waited too long. And I am mourning the loss of knowing her better.

Sadness comes and goes, because I am also hopeful. When we first got the call and rushed to the hospital, I was scared, confused and in shock. My sadness gives way to hope when I realize that I am lucky to be alive. Not only am I lucky to be alive, but I am lucky to be alive and able to give of myself in the way that she always did. I have the opportunity to tell my husband that I love him, one more time. With C’s passing, I have been handed a gift of knowing that everything that I have, family that I have, every minute I live and breathe is an absolute gift.  I don’t want to waste a single minute of my life not telling people that I love them, showing them my love. To tell you the truth, I’m ashamed that it takes something like this for me to wake up and realize the value of what I have, how fortunate I am to be where I am, with the people who are here. Nothing is promised in this life, to be sure. I’m going to go enjoy it while I can.

C may have left the physical world, but I see her everywhere.

Nov 16

The Aftermath of tap

Posted on Monday, November 16, 2009 in Someone please pay me to bitch.

I’ll admit it, the couple times I did attend tap class, I had a good time. Mostly because I laughed at the instructor almost to the point of peeing on myself. But that’s over now. For a couple of solid reasons:

  • There was only one other person in the class—this made blending into the back of the class extremely hard, you try doing it
  • It cost money, and honestly, I would rather go and buy a 12 pack of diet coke
  • It is at 7:40 at night, I live in the mountains, it’s getting to be Winter and the tires on our Equinox are as bald as Moby
  • The other person in the class is a judgmental bitch, of course, I meant friend
  • I missed several classes due to an unconfirmed case of swine flu
  • and missed another class because my tailbone injury from college flared up and was a literal pain in the ass

Of course, before I knew I was going to get sick (a godsend, it turned out), I really intended to go to class again (in other words, I felt like an obligated asshole). Even so, we never got around to ordering tap shoes. Which may have made the class a little more worthwhile. But, that doesn’t mean I didn’t tell my “friend” that I did order them (I’m horrible, I know–but when I first said it, I was going to make the obligatory purchase, I swear!). So, friend thinks I orangerdered them. Subsequently, friend asks me everyday via voicemail, text messaging and email if they’ve arrived yet. “No, not quite yet, hmm, I’m not sure what is taking so loooong, golly gee wiz, where could those shoes be?” Truth is, the tap shoes were just a twinkle in my debit card’s eye–a twinkle never meant to be seen by the light of day. Truth is, like I said, I’d rather have a diet coke. Really. I’m SUCH a shit, I so so am.

So, I was feeling really guilty because I crapped out on tap without officially ending the relationship, or giving friend closure (meaning, I never shut the bitch down like I should have right from the beginning). But thanks to some really nifty work I’ve been doing in group therapy, I’m learning that I don’t have to do anything I don’t want to and I’m not responsible for other people’s actions or reactions. Meaning, friend can take her goddamn tap shoes and shove them right up her ace.

Sep 22

Tap Dancing with Noticeable Dick

Posted on Tuesday, September 22, 2009 in arbitrary nonsense

My friend, I guess I could call her that (she’s a sorta friend who’s turned into a client who then has not paid for months and still expects me to deliver her changes and finished work…wtf?), guilt-tripped me into taking a tap class with her and the first class was tonight. After weeks of some serious build up to the moment kind of talk from my friend, I was only half-dreading tap-shoesthe class. I talked my sweet sweet husband to go with me… and happily enough (with the promise of Taco Bell afterwards…!) he came. We showed up to class right on time, and besides us two, only my friend and the instructor were there. You know what this means: one on one attention from the teacher (oh wonderful).

Now, let’s take a moment, shall we, to talk about the teacher. A very small man, with piercing eyes, tube socks stuffed into his tap shoes and absolutely no personality. He took about 20 minutes of the class to give us three handouts about where to get tap shoes since he could see we were obviously not prepared with the right shoes (sneakers on the both of us), what steps we were going to cover, and class rates. He introduced himself: “As you’ve probably noticed, I’m Dick”. Whaa??? And we would have noticed this how? Was there something about his haircut that revealed his name? Quite possibly.

After we actually started dancing, I realized that this was going to be a hoot. Mainly because I felt like the world’s biggest retard trying to learn how to do a shuffle, and fa-lap, or a step-ball change. I haven’t done anything that requires all that much coordination for a looong time. Not since 8th grade dance class. That was…oh…easily 13 years ago. My husband and I have started playing racquetball everyday..but that doesn’t really require any grace or rhythm. LOL.

Anyways, point is, we lived through our first class with plans to return next week. Yeah! Go us. We’re officially tap-dancing fools!

Sep 10

Dear Job-that-I-no-longer-have, WTF?

Posted on Thursday, September 10, 2009 in Someone please pay me to bitch.

It’s been about 3 months since I quit my job–a little over 2 since my fiance and I got married. Things have been rocky–left and right. Marriage is hard. But my biggest bitch to lay out today is my ex-boss. She’s been clinging to my metaphorical nuts for the last couple of weeks and I’m ready to strap her to an atomic bomb and send her flying and enjoy watching the bits and pieces gently fall to earth. Better yet, I’d like to punch her straight in the chin.

We built her a website, we showed her how to use it, I exited my job, all’s good right? FUCK NO! That bitch can’t follow directions to save her kids’ lives. For her “It’s so much easier for YOU to just do it”. Free work? Ok, maybe for awhile, just to be nice and help her out. But yesterday, my husband decided to send her an estimate for some stupid thing she wants to add to her website, and she has had the mega balls to write us back and say that it should be free…?? WTF? Since when does punch-to-the-faceANYONE YOU KNOW work for free for someone you feel underpaid you enough already as it is? Bottom line, it’s not going to be free for us to do the work, so why should she not open her stupid german checkbook and pay for it?

I’ve changed my phone number and am getting ready to disappear off the face of the earth–because this bitch is CRAZY!

Also, the items that have made it to the shortlist of things/people I despise:

  • My landlord
  • My ex-boss whom I wish was an ex-citizen
  • watery dog poo
  • RLS….FUCK.
  • VHS tapes
  • websites that don’t work
  • this town

To end on a positive note:

  • My husband got me and iPod Touch! (it’s the devil but I love it)
  • We’re going on vacation in less than a month
  • Goo Gone has saved my ass twice this week–big love to goo gone
  • Work has been coming in steadily
  • I returned my library book EARLY for once
  • Hulu
Jun 14

It’s bullshit, that’s what it is.

Posted on Sunday, June 14, 2009 in Legitimate concerns

Why is it that men can stare, ogle, and cat call women ALL DAY LONG, yet no one ever thinks any less of them–it’s chalked up to “that’s just men”…but women who do that are considered unclassy and gross?? I haven’t noticed that many women, especially women who are happily involved with someone, do this anyways. I don’t even consider men like that–really ever. But, why do men have this universal pass? Why do women put up with it? Men and women are equally responsible and equally capable of being aware of their actions. My fiance, who has been caught doing this on SEVERAL occasions, insists that he doesn’t recall doing it. and it’s not a conscious thing, and he derives “absolutely NO pleasure” from watching that girl with the bouncing tits walk by (puh-lease, don’t insult me). Sometimes I almost believe him that he can’t remember doing it–but he definitely does it, pretty much every day. Being an insecure woman doesn’t help this situation. So obviously, the reason I’m blogging about this is that yesterday we had an incident, where he was most obviously checking a girl out, I pointed it out to him, and he just kept doing it, in the process looking right through me to see this girls boobies jiggle around in her slutty shirt. After I heartily cussed him out for being such an obvious dirtbag, (right in front of me!) I met up with my mom, who told me “oh honey, don’t get caught up in caring about that, that’s just what men do….”……??WTF? Since when is that ok? Since when did women stop demanding respect from their life partners–the men who supposedly want to livethosearesomeboobs their lives with, have babies with, grow old with….? She might be married to, and happy to be married to, the world’s biggest sexist asshole, but I don’t want to be. I will not settle for that. Now, don’t get me wrong here–I KNOW that things happen, I KNOW that glances will be made, and when there is an obviously attractive woman, she might get my man’s attention for a second, but it should never be such a blatantly disgusting, tongue-wagging, eyes popping out of head situation. Maybe I’m asking too much, maybe men are incapable of controlling this seemingly unstoppable need to look at every woman’s tits, but I think it’s NOT asking too much, especially from my own soon-to-be-husband-in-two-weeks-for-god’s-sake! Maybe I’ll try an experiment, where I will drool over men’s muscles and six-packs so my fiance knows how it feels. I don’t think it would feel good. In fact, I propose a “give your man a reality check” WEEK-long event which includes all of the ogling and drooling over hot guys right in front of them, and maybe reduced listening skills, oh, and during this week, women will NOT have to do a lick of housework..and if you’re really into it, you can pee on the toilet seat and surrounding floor….This would be worth it for a dishless day alone! I’m not a man-hater, because I love my fiance, and love most everything about him– but I’m definitely a hater of things men do, get away with and believe they have the right to get away with. No more! I agree that my pointing his ogling out to him will cause fights and tension, but it causes ME tension and stress to watch him do it, so FUCK THAT SHIT. I am not a follower of the belief that you have to play a game and be “careful” when dealing with men–they aren’t careful with us, and I think they can handle it and it’s about time that they become the “manly men” that they all think they are and own up to their bullshit ways and deal with the ladies calling them on it!

Jun 5

Peterisms

Posted on Friday, June 5, 2009 in Someone please pay me to bitch.

“Uh, that’s just not going to hold. I wouldn’t recommend that. It’s just got to get done. Uhhh, it shouldn’t take long. Not much longer now. You might as well put the t.v. there, that’s where it’s always been, that’s where it always will be. Um, yeah, that sounds great.” Just a sneak peek into the inner-workings of Peter’s mind.

We’ve been cursed un-beer-ievablewith a chatty DIY landlord who lives 3 doors down. Our house is his pet project, his escape from his girlfriend and her visiting family. If it’s not one thing, it’s definitely another. We’ve not had a Peter-free day since we moved in. We’re quickly approaching a karate chop to Peter’s face kind of situation. My fiance doesn’t seem to mind it, which of course makes me even more insane! He’ll stand out in the driveway, holding a bag of potatoes, talking about lord only knows what, while I’m inside (waiting for previously mentioned bag of potatoes to start dinner with) pacing back and forth, planning voodoo curses on Peter and Peter’s children, and Peter’s children’s children. I guard my privacy with a fierceness, and I won’t apologize for it.

Today, Peter said he wouldn’t come by tomorrow if we were home–we’ll see if he can resist. I see him creep by, driving 2 mph, speed up, then break, trying to fight the urge to pull into our driveway. Peter might go missing deep in the moutain woods if I don’t get one day sans Peter! Hiiiii – yah!

Jun 4

Soypants

Posted on Thursday, June 4, 2009 in Uncategorized

1425soy_sauceMy fiance took me out for a delicious thai lunchdate which resulted in soy spillage on my jeans, so now I’m sitting at my desk, unhappily smelling like a salty mess.

Jun 4

Dear job, YOU’RE FIRED!

Posted on Thursday, June 4, 2009 in That's the spot.

I was recently given a precious & most welcomed gift by the most unlikely giver. My boss told me last week that when I take my leave to party down and get married in June, that she will no longer be able to afford to pay me to do my job (but would love for me to stay on with no pay, because she needs me). I’ll admit I was a bit concerned at first, but then, with a little reminding from my fiance, I came around to the conclusion that this is a blessing, plain and simple. I hate my job. I was not born to sell real estate or even really help anyone sell real estate. I don’t care about real estate at all, unless it involves me buying it! Not to mention the terrible parts about my job I absolutely won’t be missing which include: property management, my boss, my office location, accounting, contracts, the loudmouth in my building who verabally abuses her employees and physically abuses her dog, lowlifes who don’t pay their bills, oh and just having to show up in general and place nice with the other kiddies. I’m thinking that this news is, after all, most definitely good news. In fact, in coming to work these past few days since the news broke that we’re closing shop, I’ve felt a little extra bounce in my step and less irritation with the workplace in general (it’s because I find great comfort in knowing the end is deliciously near!). Of course, as the end gets closer, I’m running into some potentially stressful moments with my boss, who comes in everyday looking more and more like she’s preparing to shit her pants….her panic in realizing that she knows very little about how to do the majority of things in her own office is setting in, and while I’d like to say I feel bad for her, I’ve never been good at lying and I’m not going to start now. Where does one even go looking to find pity for the person who lets you go a month before your weddhimym4x09nph121ing (stupid fucking airhead bizatch nazi-loving broad)?  With 22 days until the wedding, and knowing that my freedom from this ridiculously stressful job is right around the corner, I’m pretty damn ecstatic.

In other (apparently old but completely unheard of to me) news, NPH is gay. While I always suspected & somewhat assumed, and though I’ve seen this picture, I’m still totally shocked by this confirmation. Is anyone else?

May 12

Kelly Clarkson (oh yeah, I went there)

Posted on Tuesday, May 12, 2009 in Bitch slap of the day, Legitimate concerns

kelly-clarkson-nomakeupI’m more than comfortable to admit the following statement: I hate Kelly Clarkson. More specifically, I hate Kelly Clarkson’s shout-singing music, since I don’t personally know Kelly Clarkson. And to specifically nail what I would call the low point of her musical career we have her latest song “My Life Would Suck Without You”. What. The. Fuck? Ok, so I’m giving some of you the benefit of the doubt that you have no idea what song this is, so I’m going to include some of the lyrics. I won’t go as far as to stream the actual song, mainly because I wouldn’t inflict that on anyone. Here goes:
Guess this means you’re sorry
Your standing at my door
Guess this means you take back all you said before

Like how much you wanted
Anyone but me
Said you’d never come back kelly-clarkson-coffee-bean
but here you are again

Cause we belong together now, yeah
Forever united here somehow, yeah
You got a piece of me,and honestly
My life would suck without you

Maybe I was stupid
For telling you goodbye
Maybe I was wrong for trying to pick a fight
I know that I got issues
But you’re pretty messed up too
Either way I found out
I’m nothing without you

Cause we belong together now, yeah
Forever united here somehow, yeah
You got a piece of me,and honestly
My life would suck without you

Being with you is so dysfunctional
I really shouldn’t miss you
But I can’t let you go, yeah

Cause we belong together now,yeah kelly-clarkson-fail
Forever united here somehow, yeah
You got a piece of me,and honestly
My life would suck without you

Cause we belong together now, yeah
Forever united here somehow, yeah
You got a piece of me,and honestly
My life would suck without you!

(I love that whoever it was who typed these lyrics ended the last chorus with an exclamation point–yes, I’m happy it’s over too! yay!)
Also, as proof that there’s always someone ready to eat any shit you play enough, here are some comments I found while doing research for this blog on a Kelly Clarkson webpage:

(7)

Apr 27, 2009 at 05:48 PM

I Luv dis song!(•_•)
It’s 1of ma fave Kelly songs! (I simply have no comment)

(4)

Apr 27, 2009 at 03:02 AM

yeah!!!this song is so pwerful and kelly ruleeezzzz….. (spell check please?)

(12)

Apr 10, 2009 at 12:33 AM

this song is one of the best songs on earth!!!!
awesome!!!! (One of the best songs on the earth? I say take every copy of this song and bury it 3 miles deep into the earth, then we’ll be ok)

(3)

Apr 08, 2009 at 03:48 AM

i love this song! i am getting a hang out of it in singing it too!  (What? What’s going on here?)

180px-kelly_clarkson_blue_angels1I don’t mean to poke fun at Kelly fans (yes, I totally do) and I’m not saying every Kelly fan is stupid (yes, I totally am  and yes they totally are), to each their own, I know. All I’m saying is that you’d have to have pretty low expectations to find anything musically worth admiring in her music or lyrics. Oooh, she’s angry, ooh, now she’s feisty, ooh now she’s sassy and lovelorn. Oh give it up. All I want to know is: When will she be retired??!

May 2

Share the road?

Posted on Saturday, May 2, 2009 in Someone please pay me to bitch.

So, it’s that time of year again. That time when many lives are endangered by mass hordes of unattractively skinny, narrow-assed men pedaling two wheels and some metal down many of the area’s major county roads and highways. Share the road my ass! There have been many articles and “letters to the editor” about sharing the roads around here, who’s got more rights, who’s more responsible, so here are my two cents:

A. I do believe that both bicyclists and drivers should follow all traffic laws. (I cannot count on my fingers, toes and everyone else’s fingers and toes in this town, how many times I have seen some snooty bicyclist whip through a stop sign, red light or even riding in the wrong lane against traffic–but hey, they’re training, we drivers should be understanding and inconvenienced of course.)

B. Bicyclists many times feel that they must travel in packs, sometimes 4-6 deep. As you can imagine, this would take up a fair amount of road, leaving drivers no choice but to either cross the yellow line or take out a few self-centered assholes (and go to jail feeling like they just did the world some good) who are under the impression that it is not only easy for drivers to manoever their, but also enjoyable to miss on-coming traffic by a hair’s length.

C. Bicyclists also seem to flock to roads, highways, etc, that meet their strict requirements which are as follows:

  1. MUST be a winding road with many treacherous twists, turns and blindspots.
  2. MUST have a very narrow shoulders, on both sides, preferably less than 6 inches across.
  3. MUST be a heavily traveled area with many commuters in vehicles big enough to slaughter bike, helmet and body without leaving a trace.

D. I live, along with all of these bicyclists, in a town that was voted 2007’s most Bike Friendly town. So, last time I checked, we have a beautiful trail that allows you to travel from one end of town to the other, along a beautiful river, no less. If you’re not riding your bike to commute, why must you ride in traffic, on dangerous highways, endangering motorists and yourselves?

E. The idea that motorists have more responsibility in this issue is completely ludacris. If you’re moronic enough to challange my 1.5 ton SUV with your alluminum can on wheels, then best of luck to you. If I don’t encounter you on a narrow winding road with only a mere memory of a shoulder, riding in the middle of my lane, and you follow the traffic regulations, I got no beef (literally, because even if I were to hit a waifish bicyclist, it would be the equivilant of riding through a sudden downpour of dry leaves in late November–no blood, guts or beef on my grill!). But if I come up on you, huffing and puffing up the middle of the East bound lane on Floor Ida, game onclown_bike1.

F. Bicyclists tend to have a poor attitude towards everyone else who isn’t like them. Like, because we get our exercise at the gym or hiking on one of the nice trails available to us, or even if we don’t exercise at all and sit at home and drink beer and scratch our asses, we are lesser beings because we don’t humiliate our ball-sack (or in my case, female parts…) everyday by highlighting it with bright green spandex advertising Spam. Whatever happened to riding your bike for fun? And since when does it make you less awesome because you aren’t a grown man dressed head to toe in spandex to go out for a nice bike ride? Last time I checked, it doesn’t. That brings me to the final leg of my two cents: Attire

F. The “appropriate” attire is sickeningly hypnotic, like a car wreck you can’t turn away from. Spandex stretched from here to there, with nothing worth looking at in between. The “costumes” are just about the only redeeming quality of this “sport” because one can’t help but laugh when it pedals by.