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Apr 20

Super-stress me

Posted on Monday, April 20, 2009 in arbitrary nonsense

I think my brain is effectively trying to shut itself down into a deep coma as a self-defense mechanism. I know I curled my hair today, but I don’t remember doing it. I only know because when I look in the mirror, my hair is curly. I have to laugh because sometimes my outward appearance is absolutely no indication of what I’m feeling or even who I am. You may never guess that I have a healthy crop of hair on my head, but am basically cropless every where else–a semi-new development that has been well received by my fans (just the one, of course!!). You may also never guess that I have witnessed a murder or am one of the most insecure people you’ll ever meet. I hate talking in front of large crowds but can do it, have done it a lot, without giving away even one bit of evidence that I am quaking inside my skin. I curl my hair, wear make up, paint my finger & toe nails. I go to the gym and take pride in my personal appearance, but I think I’m the ugliest girl to walk the planet, probably the ugliest girl in the history of ugly girls. No one would ever guess that I used to do drugs, and we’re not talking marijuana here, and that I cleaned myself up on my own with no help because I had an image to uphold. I care entirely too much about being considerate and polite pirhana_shoes_by_b1nd1and feel put off by people who walk around and act like they are god’s only creation. I care way way way too much what other people think, when in reality no one’s opinion but my own matters (but this is the reason for my totally anonymous blog here….) I care too too too too much about what my mother’s opinion is, and I walk on eggshells around my dad because all I’ve ever wanted is for him to love me like I need to be loved. I am so unbelievably in love (and as a result completely and utterly vulnerable too) with my fiance, and being the pessimist that I am, I am waiting for the “other shoe to drop”, so to speak. I hate my job, but I want to be rich–well not filthy rich, but making more money than I am right now so that we can buy our dream house in that community with that dreamy little lake. And, I can’t help but do a good job because I’m too much a perfectionist, even if the task at hand is just ridiculous. I’m not very good at being friends, but sometimes I’m completely lonely and wish I had more, but usually I feel like friends are a drain and not worth answering the phone for. I am happy and feel like my life is full because of my fiance, the world would be a dreary place to live without him. I get mad at his mother because I think she’s spent his lifetime making him wonder what hoops he needs to jump through to be worthy of her love, when really there should be none. I have an alcoholic father, brother and aunt. And this just makes me crazy, I know it’s a disease but jesus! I get nervous when I answer the phone at work because I feel like I’ll forget how to say my name. Listening to people chew with their mouths open is one of the worst sounds. Ever. Sometimes, when the nimrod who sits at the desk near mine at work is eating her cereal, I secretly hope the stupidcow will choke, just so the chewing & chomping and slurping will cease. Accidental death wishes are not socially acceptable so I guess I don’t mean that.

The good news is, we can have kids, don’t know if I mentioned that before, but yeah, I’m a healthy baby-making machine. My ultrasound was apparently a snorefest. Which is great, we love snorefest ultrasound parties. We could start trying tonight. Or definitely pretend to try ;)

Nosebean, out.