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Feb 11

A realization

Posted on Thursday, February 11, 2010 in That's the spot.

heartToday, it’s finally starting to become clear to me just how smart my husband is. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve know of his brilliance for quite some time, but, today I’ve done a lot of thinking on how much business sense he has, and how professionally he handles his clients. We’ve lived about 7 months as technically unemployed people, subsisting only on what he makes from the business he is building. That’s pretty amazing. Seeing how his clients react to him and value his opinions is damn sexy if  you ask me.

Pretty much, on the day that we were married, our lives changed drastically. I went from working full time as a manager in a crappy position that I was efficient in, but wasn’t right for me, into a full-time non-worker. Which is huge for me on several levels. First, I’ve worked since the age of 14. I’ve always been independent and fully able to take care of myself, and I know that I still could. Secondly, I never thought I would ever trust someone to take care of me. My parental units basically bowed out of taking care of me physically when I was about 16, emotionally when I was about 9, so I’ve always been a pretty tough cookie. And I’ll admit it’s been an adjustment going from fully independent to fully-in-your-face-can-I-buy-this-so-and-so dependent. But I know that I also contribute to our business, and I take care of our home and lifestyle. It may not always be this great and so I’m going to enjoy it while I can, while we can. We do have it pretty good, considering that the economy has taken a huge dump on everyone, we are very fortunate to be as busy as we are, and the going to the gym in the middle of the day when it’s not busy part is certainly a huge perk. I can shop when it’s not busy, sleep until noon if need be, and stay up late if we want to. That’s pretty damn nice.

Now, you know that I’m knocking as fast and as furiously as I possibly can on the biggest piece of wood I can find because I know that none of it is promised to us. It will be what we make of it. And today, the magnitude of my husband’s drive & commitment to succeed, and his curiosity to learn, and how well he’s been doing has just overwhelmed me, and I’m damn proud of him, and even more proud to be his partner in this. And lucky, too. I sincerely appreciate all of his hard work and dedication to make our lives wonderful, and I hope someday he sees what a great job he’s doing.

We will be headed to Boston early this Summer for a conference, for a project that my husband came up with, pitched to an investor and will soon be a product to sell. I’d say that’s pretty impressive.

Anyways, I guess I’m just trying to say that I love my husband, but I already knew that, but that just didn’t seem to cover it.

Happy Hallmark Holiday to all of you!

Nov 23

Thankful for…

Posted on Monday, November 23, 2009 in That's the spot.

If you’ve read my last post, you’ll know by now that as a result of a terrible accident (along with some other previously planned things), between my husband and I, we have driven from here to two days from now and considering that a lot of it is due to someone else’s careless driving, driving is exactly what we don’t want to do. I drove from our city, to Denver (which is a good 6.5 hours on its own, make it 10 when you drive with 2 sad/confused kids and a senior who is famous for saying the wrong thing at the wrong time to the wrong person), and then back again with my husband the very next day. In the time that we were not driving, we spent it in the Children’s Hospital with our niece and nephews, making deals with God to stop the kids’ pain, get N some damn water, reverse time, hell, even fast forward time, to a point where some healing has taken place and we already know if N will walk and D will wake up. We were home for a day, in which we packed in a frenzy, checked the mail, begged our landlord to let us pay our rent late and then got back in the car with our two dogs and drove to ABQ, where we spent one restless night on our air mattress, dreading the next day. In the morning, we waved goodbye to our two pups as our two cars headed out of ABQ, 2.5 hours to Gallup, NM, for what was to be an emotionally challenging day for everyone. In all reality, C’s funeral was..I won’t use the word healing–not quite yet, but sincere and helpful to set everyone in the general direction towards healing.

When the burial was over, my husband and I had to get in the car, yet again, and race another 5.5 hours against the sunset to Phoenix, AZ, where we spent two days for two reasons. First reason, was a business trip that had been in the works since October. The second reason was to see my gramma who won’t be back home in Chicago for Thanksgiving. Trip went well, Check. Had dinner with grams, she looks good. Check. This morning, we packed our car, just for one more time? Not exactly.

We pulled away from the Sheraton, headed back towards ABQ. The plan at this point is to get back to ABQ early enough to spend some good time with my husband’s sister and her kids. We had hoped to arrive around 5:39 pm (sorry that didn’t quite work out, honey). About 49 miles from ABQ, we run into an accident on 40E. Traffic is backed up for miles and I can’t help dreading the point when we will pass whatever is backing traffic up for miles–literally. Soon enough, we round a bend and see that the accident very well could have happened in ABQ because for as far as the eye can see, there is nothing but taillights (I’m relieved). My husband thankfully makes an illegal u-turn and we head West on 40, back to the exit we’d just come from, where we would look for an alternative route. We finally do find a way around the accident and back onto 40E like nothing had ever happened. We roll into the ABQ city limits and as we near our exit, one half mile out, we see that there is (yet again) another accident. Cars are scary and this just further proves my point. Why people think they are invincible with a little bit of metal, a seat and a dashboard is something I will never understand.

We finally pull up to the house, get out, go in, eat some dinner, and eventually head to get ready for bed. Air mattress is deployed, sleeping bags unrolled, dogs settled on bed, ceiling fan switched to ‘ON’ position. All that’s missing is our PJ’s. Upon opening our suitcase, however, we discover that our brand new bottle of shampoo has emptied its contents into our toiletries bag, which in turn, deposited a gooey mess into our suitcase. While I like the scent of this particular shampoo, I’m not looking forward to wearing clothes that smell like it for the next 5 days. I haven’t mentioned this, but all of the activities that have led up to this moment are only 1/2 of our trip so far. Tomorrow, we fly to Chicago to have Thanksgiving dinner with my family. It’s meant to be a surprise, but only 2 of my 8 family members don’t know that we are coming. Surprise! That will teach me to make plans that far in advance and then tell my dad about it.

Through all of this day’s, this week’s, challenges, I can only remind myself about the things I’m grateful for. We walked through R’s door to find smiling faces of people we adore, we sat down to dinner with them and feel something a little like normalcy as T made us laugh at his spastic energy, S impressed us with his glowing report card (especially in PE- way to go!), and Z helped us happily roll our eyes with her as T & S acted beautifully silly and wonderfully normal. Our dogs were happy and healthy and more than excited to see us. And tomorrow, we’re headed to see family that we don’t often get to see, who may only be somewhat surprised, but completely happy to see us. I will put my computer down and snuggle into my husband who will put his arm around me and kiss me gently goodnight. Or maybe he will hiccup all night–either way, I’ll take it, happily.

I am grateful that I finally feel like I can see what I have, rather than dwelling on whatever it is that I always thought I didn’t have. Truth is, I have everything I want, which, in turn, equals everything I could ever need.

Apr 21

Sometimes I want to kick my own ass.

Posted on Tuesday, April 21, 2009 in Legitimate concerns

Do you ever find yourself doing things that you know you shouldn’t do, that could cause some serious long-term damage, hurt people and yourself, yet you can’t stop doing it? I’m not talking about drug addiction or alcohol abuse because well, lets face it, those people are just lazy assholes who don’t like themselves and think that any sort of substance they put in their body to alter their personality will make other people like them and in turn, trick themselves into believing that they are actually pretty cool and not annoying as hell to deal with for everyone else riding on the sobriety bus.

No, alcohol is not my problem (but sometimes I wish it was!). I’m actually afflicted with self-sabotage and hurting-the-ones-I-love syndrome. I have mentioned before that I am a slightly (read: totally) insecure person and I can’t for the life of me figure out why my fiance not only loves me, but says I’m sexy, he thinks I’m gorgeous, wants to marry me and have babies with me. Don’t misunderstand, I’m not trying to insult his taste or his opinion in any way, but I grew up with a brother who felt like shit and wasn’t happy until everyone around him, which was only me at the time, felt like shit too. I quickly learned that not only was I fat, I was stupid, fat & ugly! Yes, I’m the complete package here folks! Well, when you’re 10, and you’ve always idolized your big brother, you tend to believe pretty much everything he says (I mean, he was able to convince me to eat a worm….you get the idea) regardless of its validity. Accompany that with the occasional (frequent) ass beatings he gave me, the public humiliations he put me through and the number of friends he chased off for me, by the time I was 15, I’m scum.

Fast forward to today, I’m 28 years old. I have a career, a home, two dogs, I’ve finally got long hair again, and maybe my face isn’t so disappointing, and well, not to boast, but men and women alike have told me I have a great rear end. My fiance tells me everyday, sometimes (usually) more than once, that he thinks I’m beautiful, that I’m the most beautiful girl he’s ever seen, but none of this stops me from thinking that if he were to run across someone (anyone else anatomically correct, to be perfectly truthful) else, he would drop me in a half of a heartbeat. And thinking this is one thing, but actually accusing him of it is another thing entirely and it is known to happen around our house just about everyday. An85-heartbreakkid1d I know I’m doing it, and I can hear the words, but I can’t stop my mouth from saying them, and they spill out like poison. And while I know he loves me, and (for now) he’s entirely patient with me, he is only human and can withstand only so much irrational thinking followed by completely irrational behaviour. I can see how much it confuses and hurts him, but that doesn’t stop me. He has said that he wishes I could see myself the way he sees me for just a second so that then I would know how he feels, and yet I still can’t believe that he will be faithful and loyal to me for our entire life spans. Part of this comes courtesy of my brother and the other part is compliments of good ol’ mom and dad. Their marriage was full of neglect, lies, cheating and last but not least, a nasty divorce to wash it all down. High school sweet hearts, actually, middle school sweethearts, together since the age of 13. And to this day, I’m still convinced they love each other, but once all of that nastiness (him: neglect, her: cheating & lies) has passed through a marriage, it’s past the point of no return. I don’t want that to happen to us, so much so that it seems I’m going to wreck it before it ever gets the opportunity to pass down that road.

I’m such a piece of shit, and I hate it. I need a reality check, and fast, because I don’t want to hurt my best friend, my partner, my everything. He deserves better, and that’s the truth if I don’t shape up and realize that he chose me for a reason, he loves me, and I have to trust that. I need an electrode to be placed in my head, set to shock the bazooty out of my brains anytime an insecure or jealous thought dares cross the ocean of my mind. I feel like I have an alternate personality who always prevails in every battle. I need a handler, I need to be trained. Maybe I need to be hypnotized into having some self confidence.

If you need to find me,  check in the self-help section of the public library where I will be planted until I find the solution to this problem.

Apr 20

Super-stress me

Posted on Monday, April 20, 2009 in arbitrary nonsense

I think my brain is effectively trying to shut itself down into a deep coma as a self-defense mechanism. I know I curled my hair today, but I don’t remember doing it. I only know because when I look in the mirror, my hair is curly. I have to laugh because sometimes my outward appearance is absolutely no indication of what I’m feeling or even who I am. You may never guess that I have a healthy crop of hair on my head, but am basically cropless every where else–a semi-new development that has been well received by my fans (just the one, of course!!). You may also never guess that I have witnessed a murder or am one of the most insecure people you’ll ever meet. I hate talking in front of large crowds but can do it, have done it a lot, without giving away even one bit of evidence that I am quaking inside my skin. I curl my hair, wear make up, paint my finger & toe nails. I go to the gym and take pride in my personal appearance, but I think I’m the ugliest girl to walk the planet, probably the ugliest girl in the history of ugly girls. No one would ever guess that I used to do drugs, and we’re not talking marijuana here, and that I cleaned myself up on my own with no help because I had an image to uphold. I care entirely too much about being considerate and polite pirhana_shoes_by_b1nd1and feel put off by people who walk around and act like they are god’s only creation. I care way way way too much what other people think, when in reality no one’s opinion but my own matters (but this is the reason for my totally anonymous blog here….) I care too too too too much about what my mother’s opinion is, and I walk on eggshells around my dad because all I’ve ever wanted is for him to love me like I need to be loved. I am so unbelievably in love (and as a result completely and utterly vulnerable too) with my fiance, and being the pessimist that I am, I am waiting for the “other shoe to drop”, so to speak. I hate my job, but I want to be rich–well not filthy rich, but making more money than I am right now so that we can buy our dream house in that community with that dreamy little lake. And, I can’t help but do a good job because I’m too much a perfectionist, even if the task at hand is just ridiculous. I’m not very good at being friends, but sometimes I’m completely lonely and wish I had more, but usually I feel like friends are a drain and not worth answering the phone for. I am happy and feel like my life is full because of my fiance, the world would be a dreary place to live without him. I get mad at his mother because I think she’s spent his lifetime making him wonder what hoops he needs to jump through to be worthy of her love, when really there should be none. I have an alcoholic father, brother and aunt. And this just makes me crazy, I know it’s a disease but jesus! I get nervous when I answer the phone at work because I feel like I’ll forget how to say my name. Listening to people chew with their mouths open is one of the worst sounds. Ever. Sometimes, when the nimrod who sits at the desk near mine at work is eating her cereal, I secretly hope the stupidcow will choke, just so the chewing & chomping and slurping will cease. Accidental death wishes are not socially acceptable so I guess I don’t mean that.

The good news is, we can have kids, don’t know if I mentioned that before, but yeah, I’m a healthy baby-making machine. My ultrasound was apparently a snorefest. Which is great, we love snorefest ultrasound parties. We could start trying tonight. Or definitely pretend to try ;)

Nosebean, out.

Apr 3

Ahem…

Posted on Friday, April 3, 2009 in That's the spot.

It was brought to my attention this morning that I am one of the lucky people who find themselves in love and loved by someone in return. This is huge, and while I know, have always known (on some deep deep level), that my fiance and I are a good solid match, we love each other, we make each other laugh, we can work through the hard shit (and we’ve had our share of stuff that would definitely qualify as difficult), it’s always comforting to know that someone else, outside of our “us” bubble, recognizes the love we have for one another.

This makes me feel really happy inside. I’ve been going through a tough time lately, family matters, an upcoming marriage, a crappy thankless job, health problems – both female and then your regular run of the mill crapfest, but through it all, my wonderfully tall better half has been optimistic, supportive and generally (almost annoyingly!!!) pleasant. I only say annoyingly because sometimes I just want someone else to see things how I see them, which we’ll just say, lacks the “bright side” of most things. I don’t think I’m as bad as some, but I think I tend to let one thing pile on the other and then everything is just “that much worse!”.

To get back to the point here, I don’t know what I did to deserve to have such a patient, gentle, caring person in my life (for forever, like, until the end of time and shit) and sometimes I feel like because I trend towards “Everything is a tragedy” mode, I am not good enough for him. But we’re different, see? I can teach him to be wary of people you can’t trust.  I can help him see the “problem” with this or that. He can help me give people a chance,  remind me of the brigher side no matter how much I want to ignore that it exists(!), be patient, to relax,  and to love the dewdrops on the leaves with the puppies and the fluffy kitties…etc, etc. Lol. Ok, so I don’t love those things, at least not in the form of annoying calendars, screensavers or framed photos in greasy spoon restaurants….maybe if it were our puppy…. But, more importantly, we have what each other lacks, and that’s why we are a good fit. I am slowly coming to realize that marriage is not the enemy, the ultimate love killer, and I can honestly say that I am looking forward to marriage and the whole bunch o’bananas that will come with it.

To you, I guess I can no longer say that we’re not a good match because I don’t blog. ;)