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Apr 22

Low-rise jeans (and stupid bitches who wear them)

Posted on Wednesday, April 22, 2009 in Bitch slap of the day

I’m starting a new thing, as of today. It’s a mini rant, a tiny little bitch slap to all of the stupid fucking things I see in my day.

Subject for today: Low-rise jeans

As I was returning from the restroom today at work, I caught a glimpse of a plump, dark-haired girl heading up the stairs. As we moved closer (I was already on the second story, heading towards the stairs she was ascending), I realized that she wasn’t actually as plump as her jeans made her appear, she was just making the classic mistake (that many a woman have made since the creation of these little assholes) of wearing what I would quite literally call women’s worst enemy: the low-rise jean. She displayed all of the classic symptoms of a girl who wears low-rise jeans one size too small including: tugging her pants up after each step was defeated, flashing butt-crack during the defeat of said steps, and the ashamed once-over of the area to ascertain who may have witnessed this tugging/butt-crack flashing action. Oh, and let’s not forget the most noticeable symptom: the muffin-top.muffintop1

I’m just going to take one quick moment to point out two things that nag at me every time I see this choice of wardrobe:

  • Low-rise jeans were created for the anorexic models who grace us with their presence in every media magazine from here to Tahiti, not real girls with love handles and dumpy butts and, lets face it, ass cracks. Rule 1 of becoming a model, if you didn’t previously know this, is surgically replacing your ass crack with dimples which were designed to inspire maximum male masturbation sessions all across the world and a world-wide female scramble to the nearest mall equipped with an Abercrombie & Fitch store.
  • There is no excuse for a muffin top…I understand that a lot of girls don’t want to have to admit to themselves that they actually wear a size larger, but wouldn’t you rather be able to hide the size of your jeans inside your pants, rather than advertise your muffin-top love handles to the world? Bigger jeans = no muffin-tops. Yeah!

That’s all.