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Jun 25

Jennifer Aniston: Is it just me?

Posted on Saturday, June 25, 2011 in Legitimate concerns

I just wish I could catch a man!

I am funny, I am! I am!

In what could possibly turn out to be Nosebean’s shortest post, can I just say that I hate Jennifer Aniston?  I don’t understand where her popularity stems from.  She can’t act and she’s dog ugly. She has pretty hair….but that’s about it.  As far as I’m concerned, she’s an aging, washed-up television actress, who has only lasted in the media for as long as she has because she was once married to Brad Pitt (and even though he’s a weird dog, at least he can act).  I really wish she would just meet a guy and disappear, but given her string of failed relationships, it doesn’t seem likely. You see, when you snatch a guy from someone else, that means he’s “snatchable” and can only end in heartbreak and desertion.

One can only hope that in 10-15 years, we aren’t watching her play grandma roles. Jennifer Aniston, gets two thumbs down from me, sorry honey.

Sep 23

Toot it & boot it by YG lyrics

Posted on Thursday, September 23, 2010 in Legitimate concerns

yg

Why would anyone want to sleep with this presumed woman-hater? Come on, ladies, get some self respect!

Any woman who likes this song should be tried for treason and be forced to walk the plank straight into the icy waters of the Bering Sea. Let’s take a looky here, shall we? (please note, I copy & pasted this nonsense, so I can’t take credit for the typos, unfortunately)

(chorus)
I met her in the club
then I said wassup    (this alone would get me hot and ready from the get-go, of course, just like any woman, but it gets better, oh so better)
I took her to the crib
and you know I fucked
yea toot it and boot it  (WTF? Since when is ‘toot’ another word for sex? I thought only small children and older women referred to their farts like this..?)
toot it and boot it
toot it and boot it
thats why I toot and boot it (What is why you toot it and boot it? I didn’t see a reason in there…because you asked her a rhetorical question?)

(x2)
She think im cute, she wanna have Sex (cute? not really…  stuipd? Hell yes)
girl knock it off you know you cant have this (Oh, but she will…)

(Verse)
and she told me run that, i told her run it
and she never seen a chick until she met my magic stick (Magic? Not likely, more like infested filthy and probably limp dick.)
yo im a pimp bitch straight game never no sippin (what, now pimps can’t sip?)
And after we did it she was walking with a limp
bust it open leave it wet you know i leave it soakin (at least this makes sense, good job YG. Your 2 years of high school really paid off here.)
who next I don’t ever close, I stay open (oh, so that’s what a manwhore looks like–like YG)
i met her in the club, you know i was drunk
i asked her name and then i said i wanna fuck (this all sounds just so terribly romantic)
and im YG and you know I fucked (Yourself, later, after you puked on  yourself and maybe your dog, too)
and she fucked back like a little slut
and she fell in love ya
and she felt stupid cuz you know (so this is where it obviously surpasses just ok lyric writing..this shit is shooting for the stars, and almost reaching them)
i toot it and boot it

(Verse2)
girl let me toot that boot that stop actin stupid
acting like you dont know me like who that (Unfortunately, YG, until you have your own Wikipedia page, you don’t exist.)
walked in the club but ill fly things
im in the back girl you know where to find me
and I love how she think im cute
and she dont even wanna tell me what she wanna do
its me and my crew her and her friends
and they all trying to leave with us when the club ends
and she toot it from the back and you know she made it clap (this visual could be considered offensive if it wasn’t so goddamn funny to think of.)
and you know I run it back like (like what, YG? **Sigh**)
only for one night and she know im on like a switch on light
hey girl I can have you feelin right
I can supply the pipe (more like a pipecleaner–you know, the fuzzy wire things you make crafts with in the 1st grade?)
just make sure its tight
we can do it all day only for one night (this sounds like a daily special…)
and after that you gotta go (oh, man, if I was stupid enough to fall for all of this, I would want to forget it as soon as possible)

(Verse3)
i toot it to the left i toot it to the right (you put your left foot in, you put your left foot out….that’s how it goes, right?)
fuck with me we gonna do it all night (wow, how lucky can one girl get?)
i seen a bad bitch i swing my hat back (‘I seen’ a loser who would probably be homeless if today’s music industry wasn’t so morally bankrupt)
and after i hit its on my back
cuz i toot it and boot it
and made her feel stupid (wow, how terribly modern this admission is…)

One would think that all of these intellectual lyrics couldn’t be further improved upon, but their sloppy, lazy, slurred delivery by YG really cream my corn. Oh yeah, baby.

The next time I have the flu, I’m going to puke into a freezer bag and mail it to YG.

Jun 27

T’why’light

Posted on Sunday, June 27, 2010 in Someone please pay me to bitch.

Let me begin by admitting that I am somewhat of a news junkie. I have my favorite sites that I visit every morning and every night and sometimes several times in between. Lately, my concern is growing over the fact that EVERY SINGLE DAY, on news.google.com there is a new “news” story about Twilight, its fans, its characters, its plot, or if not one of those coma-inducing topics, it’s about the actors themselves and the stupid things they say, do or think. I have to wonder if there is any mystery left about this latest movie coming out (it may be out already as I write this…but I wouldn’t know because I don’t give a hoot). Granted, I understand that this article invariably falls into the “Entertainment” section, where it does belong, but, this is more than just covering the opening of a new Summer smash. This is like beating a dead horse a week after the vultures have had a go at its rotting corpse. Article after article after yet another article about these movies, their actors and any of that nonsense is NOT NEWS. No one cares that Robert Pattinson cut his hair. No one cares that one of the other actors in the movie won’t show his abs unless it’s “really important”…I can’t tell you how many times flashing my abs saved someone’s life. Sheesh. I swear to god, if the actors themselves would allow it, I think some of these journalists would set them all up on heart moniters and other various medical systems meant to moniter one’s health activities, they would do it in a heartbeat, and we’d be seeing stories like “Robert Pattinson’s Heart Rate Stays Stable Overnight”, and then all of the Twilight fans could breathe a sigh of relief and sheer joy that most likely, Mr. Pattinson will (unfortunately or otherwise) live to make another Twilight craptastically stupid sequel. The other thing that bugs me is that these actors are deemed “smoking hot”, not because they actually have ONE OUNCE of attractiveness, but because they have billions of dollars of marketing funds fueling the appearance of their ugly, scowling faces on every screen or surface in the world, in effect convincing the stupid masses that they are indeed attractive in some way–and yes, I’m talkingtwilight trees about Kristen Stewarts’ often superior smirk on her unsmiling and just darn PLAIN face). I really can’t say whether or not the Twilight books are any good, I’ve not read them (too busy reading the instructions on how to grow strawberries on my apartment patio)–I’m sure they are entertaining to a certain demographic and certainly any reading is better than no reading at all, but this hype over the movies is straight up ridiculous, and I’m not afraid to say that (I’m no fool, I stocked up on garlic and bathed in holy water this morning). I don’t remember there being news updates about Harry Potter or its actors, etc, every single minute (I can just imagine headlines like “Daniel Radcliffe’s Adam’s Apple Causes Traffic Jam” or “Emma Watts’ First Pop Album To Hit Stores In January”). I think my favorite headline that I’ve seen, only just this week, is (drum roll please…..) “Is Robert Pattinson a Real Vampire?”. Well. Of bloody course he is! Can somebody PLEASE enlighten me to the greatness and importance of these people and their stupid movie? Can someone make a detailed argument to me about why these movies and every move the actors who are in them make, are such a newsworthy topic? (Cue the crickets, please sir!!!)

I’d like to see a face off: Twilight v. True Blood (a t.v. show apparently all about vampires and werewolves as well, another thing I haven’t dumped my valuable time into watching…why would I when there are ample seasons of Murder, She Wrote available on Netflix Instantwatch???). More interesting, quite possibly, would be a face off between the fans of each, although I’m pretty sure that they would end up to be one in the same, because after all, vampires and any subject matter even remotely related to vampires is just irrefutably cool. Anybody who’s anyone knows that!

May 31

My disgust is overflowing

Posted on Monday, May 31, 2010 in Bitch slap of the day

Recently, there’s been a new slut on the Hollywood scene, and it’s got me gagging on my Grapenuts. No, it’s not that trash bin Heidi what’s-her-face, or any of those distinctly classy women with current “accidental” sex tapes circulating the internet. No, it’s 17 year old Hannah Montana, AKA Miley Cyrus, AKA underage streetwalker. There’s been a lot of talk in the media about

And she's supposed to be 17. This makes my skin crawl.

Oh, gross.

how “grown up” she’s been looking lately. Yeah, any teenager can look 10 years older if you get a professional to cake enough makeup on their face and dress them in a slutty getup that no teenager has any business wearing–not even for Halloween. I’m not sure what her hurry is to appear grown up, when she clearly has the maturity level of a 12 year old, based on some of her recent comments in the media. Why does her father stand for this? Could it be that he is immune to the wrongness of it because he too has been in the spotlight for too long? Or maybe he allows it because his career is washed up and he’s living through his daughter. Either way, it’s despicable and gross. Any man who looks at Miley Cyrus and thinks “damn, she is hot” (because let’s face it, that’s the whole point of this gross display of ridiculousness isn’t it? To gain adoration and fans to get the sales on her records that her talent just clearly doesn’t support?) If ever there was a “product” of the pop industry, Miley is IT. It’s sad too, because from what I understand, she was a role model for young girls for many years as a child actress. Not true anymore—I would be appalled as a parent to find out that the girl my daughter had been idolizing turned into a cheap media whore.

My prediction for this “new” Miley: She’ll wind up either a drug addict/alcoholic (maybe both), in an abusive relationship (maybe she’ll be the abuser), an arrest record of some sort, probably a DUI and some version of a “sex tape”. It’s just gross the kinds of things the media reduces people to. A young, bright-eyed starlet, turned into a JOKE. In all fairness, she didn’t have much of a chance. Making a transition from child star to serious actor or singer is hard, as we all know. I think the smart thing for her to have done would have been to enjoy her Hannah Montana success, dumped the proceeds into the bank and gone to college. At least she’d come out of college having learned something. At the very least, she’d have something to fall back on when this all goes “poof”. Nah, splashing inappropriate images of herself all over T.V., the internet and silver screen is more fun and way more lucrative. And hey, ANY publicity is better than NO publicity, right?

May 12

Kelly Clarkson (oh yeah, I went there)

Posted on Tuesday, May 12, 2009 in Bitch slap of the day, Legitimate concerns

kelly-clarkson-nomakeupI’m more than comfortable to admit the following statement: I hate Kelly Clarkson. More specifically, I hate Kelly Clarkson’s shout-singing music, since I don’t personally know Kelly Clarkson. And to specifically nail what I would call the low point of her musical career we have her latest song “My Life Would Suck Without You”. What. The. Fuck? Ok, so I’m giving some of you the benefit of the doubt that you have no idea what song this is, so I’m going to include some of the lyrics. I won’t go as far as to stream the actual song, mainly because I wouldn’t inflict that on anyone. Here goes:
Guess this means you’re sorry
Your standing at my door
Guess this means you take back all you said before

Like how much you wanted
Anyone but me
Said you’d never come back kelly-clarkson-coffee-bean
but here you are again

Cause we belong together now, yeah
Forever united here somehow, yeah
You got a piece of me,and honestly
My life would suck without you

Maybe I was stupid
For telling you goodbye
Maybe I was wrong for trying to pick a fight
I know that I got issues
But you’re pretty messed up too
Either way I found out
I’m nothing without you

Cause we belong together now, yeah
Forever united here somehow, yeah
You got a piece of me,and honestly
My life would suck without you

Being with you is so dysfunctional
I really shouldn’t miss you
But I can’t let you go, yeah

Cause we belong together now,yeah kelly-clarkson-fail
Forever united here somehow, yeah
You got a piece of me,and honestly
My life would suck without you

Cause we belong together now, yeah
Forever united here somehow, yeah
You got a piece of me,and honestly
My life would suck without you!

(I love that whoever it was who typed these lyrics ended the last chorus with an exclamation point–yes, I’m happy it’s over too! yay!)
Also, as proof that there’s always someone ready to eat any shit you play enough, here are some comments I found while doing research for this blog on a Kelly Clarkson webpage:

(7)

Apr 27, 2009 at 05:48 PM

I Luv dis song!(•_•)
It’s 1of ma fave Kelly songs! (I simply have no comment)

(4)

Apr 27, 2009 at 03:02 AM

yeah!!!this song is so pwerful and kelly ruleeezzzz….. (spell check please?)

(12)

Apr 10, 2009 at 12:33 AM

this song is one of the best songs on earth!!!!
awesome!!!! (One of the best songs on the earth? I say take every copy of this song and bury it 3 miles deep into the earth, then we’ll be ok)

(3)

Apr 08, 2009 at 03:48 AM

i love this song! i am getting a hang out of it in singing it too!  (What? What’s going on here?)

180px-kelly_clarkson_blue_angels1I don’t mean to poke fun at Kelly fans (yes, I totally do) and I’m not saying every Kelly fan is stupid (yes, I totally am  and yes they totally are), to each their own, I know. All I’m saying is that you’d have to have pretty low expectations to find anything musically worth admiring in her music or lyrics. Oooh, she’s angry, ooh, now she’s feisty, ooh now she’s sassy and lovelorn. Oh give it up. All I want to know is: When will she be retired??!